As progressive as our society has gotten about a lot of things, something that hasn’t changed is judgement for promiscuous women. This judgement can span across a lot of offenses from casual sex to questionable office attire. I have to admit, I can’t help but feel a twinge of annoyance toward those girls that DARE to wear high heels and pencil skirts in our casual office environment. Because of this, I usually don’t shout from the rooftops to inform people of the multiple one night stands I have had (unless you count posting an article on the internet for thousands of strangers to read). Even so, I still find myself surprised (and mildly offended) when even my most progressive friends get a look of wide eyed horror (and promptly try to hide it), when I casually drop I’ve had “more than one” one night stand.
I know many people who have never had a one night stand (which is totally fine!). Like anything, I think the attitude of judgement comes because people are scared of something that they haven’t personally experienced. If I do hear girls share the amount of partners they have, it’s usually with an air of wasn’t I so crazy and BAD when I was younger. But if you use protection and both parties are aware that it’s a casual thing stepping into it, is it really “bad?” Most guys of mild attractiveness have slept with almost double my “number.”
As I spoke with my friend, she described all the reasons why she never had engaged in one herself. She also admitted to her judgement of other females doing it…. “I would see some of my female friends engaging in casual sex. I didn’t want to judge them, but I did. Why were they having sex with just anyone? I couldn’t even begin to think about all the positive things they, as females, could be getting out of it. I immediately assigned the stigma that they were doing it for attention or out of desperation. I was paranoid for their safety and judging them for not being as worried as I was. And to some degree (that I am not proud of), I was a little bit jealous and intimidated they were able to have fun with sex. If they were willing to put out on the first date, why would any guy want to be with me? I secretly shamed them to make myself feel better.”
My Personal Experience With A One Night Stand
My best (favorite?-not quite sure what to call it) one night stand is an experience that I look back upon (though honestly, I don’t really reflect on it often) with fondness and no regret. I met someone while I was studying abroad out at a club with friends in Germany. We had fun dancing together and then I went back to his place. In the morning, I got on a train back home and haven’t spoken to him since. It was a liberating experience and a confidence booster for me. It feels good to be wanted. While I definitely don’t recommended relying on male attentionfor your self-esteem, for me empowering myself to do what I wanted was a very freeing feeling.
I think another thing holding women back from doing what they want is the perception that a future partner wouldn’t be ok with dating a girl that’s slept around. Trust me ladies, you would be doing yourself a favor to not end up with a man that felt that way. It’s probably a great way to weed out potential future partners
To me, sleeping with only one person that you know isn’t right for you is much more dangerous than sleeping around with several people. With one relationship, you are giving yourself emotionally to that person. How many girls have you met that are sticking around with someone that isn’t right for them for far too long because they value having someone to sleep with?
I grew up in a very religious environment and I had always felt such intense pressure on all my interactions with men. You couldn’t just talk/flirt/date around. You had to basically be presented with a wedding ring before entertaining a conversation. This put so much pressure on all my interactions and led to a lot of frustration when things didn’t work out. When I finally started letting go and just having fun is ironically when I met my future husband. Sleeping around had released me from the mindset that everything had to be so serious. I learned to let a relationship progress and just have fun without putting so many expectations on each new one.
In the words of my friend from earlier: “Once I had my own one night stand, I realized I had largely put the views I hold around the intimacy of sex onto them. In the past, sex had always been a more intimate experience where I had to know someone more before being able to enjoy it. Just because I held that perspective didn’t mean that everyone else had to or was wrong for not sharing it. Once I broadened my own experiences, I understood where they were coming from. It shouldn’t have required walking in someone else’s shoes to respect them, but that’s what it took for me in this case. When you’re happy and healthy with yourself, there is freedom in this expression.”
The Downside of A One Night Stand
Of course there is a chance that you (or someone else) ends up with hurt feelings. There’s also a chance that I will get my feelings hurt by going to work every morning. I think the way I safe guarded myself from this was to stay away from anyone that I already had feelings for. Your work crush is not (I repeat-IS NOT) the best option for a one night stand. Anyone that you have a chance to interact with regularly after you do the deed may not be the best candidate. A conversation about expectations before you get sexually involved is key in these situations. Me going home with a guy that lived in a foreign country, pretty unspoken rule that we aren’t going to see each other again. Seeing one of your acquaintances out and drunkenly getting an Uber together, probably better to quickly establish ground rules.
Relationships are (in my opinion), the most important part of life. But that doesn’t mean every encounter you have has to end with a wedding ring. Sometimes people come into our lives for a short stint, and that’s ok. The one night stand could be exactly what you needed at the time.Let’s challenge ourselves to free our minds and do what feels good sometimes. I never want you to think about the word slutty again. Putting yourself in unsafe situations and not using protection is not cool. But messing around with a hot guy you just met at the bar and might never see again? If you want to do it, you shouldn’t feel bad or be labeled for it. Just, you know, use a condom. The last thing you want is a one night stand pregnancy